I have a bad feeling about this

My kid's first word was Stinky

I am a young mother, I had my child at 21, which is not like teenage pregnancy but lets face it I was not ready mentally at all. I am still trying to figure out who I am. I think as a young mother I basically had a crash course in child rearing. I lean A LOT on my mother and I get absolutely no physical help from the father, though I do get some financial. Though unplanned I would not change it for the world, I have no regrets, I have a beautiful child, I am in love with him, he is everything I could have ever wanted or hoped for. BUT I am not a mother, and I mean this in the sense that I don't like being someones mom, nor can I wrap my head around it. I don't do well with the whole nurturing, monotonous daily crap. I do not have the capacity to enjoy the stresses and emotional roller coaster that is parenthood. I deal, exist. I do not thrive on being a "mommy". It is also not my desire to be in the PTA, or coach the soccer team, or drive the kids to showbiz pizza, or do birthday parties, or sit and watch the kid for hours in the ball pit bored out of my mind "cuz they are just havin so much fun!" I don't know if there is something wrong with me or if I am just missing the mom gene. And maybe it is age, while all of my friends are seemingly carefree I have a multitude of responsibility. Whatever it is I can not imagine doing it again, extending the sentence if you will. That is why I have been doing some thinkin...

I have been seriously seriously looking into getting sterilized. I truthfully and honestly do not want anymore children, and I definitely do not want to bear any more children, I feel it in my soul. BUT whenever I run this idea by anyone they always say "your so young, you don't know what you want, if you do it you'll regret it" - They do not know how I feel but after much thought of all aspects and the fact that true I can not predict the how I will feel later in life, this is what I have resolved to do if for any chance my wiring changes in the future.
If I ever decide that I want more children for whatever reason I am going to adopt. There is no reason for me to bring yet another child into this world when there are so many that don't have families. I had my child, though unplanned, he is here, I love him with all my heart and I am blessed and honored that I have the chance to be his mother. And even though the next child I bring into my heart may not share my blood it can't be any different cuz my son actually does and he annoys the hell outta me! ;-)

Nay, twas a dream

Vargas walks down the street with some peking duck and tortillas. He comes across the bum who he passes by all the time and has given change on many occasions. The bum says hey can u spare some change. Vargas just keeps walking. Trying to find a place to eat in this god forsaken town is ridiculously hard if u don’t want to spend like a million dollars. I don’t want to go to that place on account of the murders he tells me. well we end up going there. I love coffee so much especially when its mixed with ice cream, I got one at this stupid place. The ambiance was sirens and wretched heavy metal. So depressing. This is where I learned about guns first hand. So we finish eating and we are just sitting there talking and smoking our well deserved after meal cigarettes, I was still sipping on the coffee shake he got. Vargas decides this would be a great place to whip out his new 2000 dollar lap top. I was just kidding about the whole gun part I still havnt seen a gun in my life cept for the talkies. so these are the nights when it is beautiful weather and the city just seems such a perfect place to be. I love the city, vargas love the city. his truck does not like the city too much all the cobblestones. How in the hell did that happen?

idk my bff Jill

It seems at this time in life we all love to reminisce about the past either by watching/listening to throw backs on our ipods and sending blasts from the past to all of our friends on FB. But I think about how in such a short amount of time our culture has transformed from boomboxes to ipods, payphones to cell phones and converse to ...well converse. It has been so rapid that I still remember what it was like to talk on a cord phone laying on my bed chewing bubble gum but now I text and talk on the cell like it is apart of my body. I am not restricted by cords or staying near "homebase" and as long as it's after 9 or a weekend I can talk as long as I want unhindered and able to go about my day. We are all so "get a hold of able", If I call my friend and they don't answer I am inundated with questions in my mind "are they rejecting my call? is their phone off? do they have service where they are? do they just not want to talk? is their phone on silent? are they OK? why aren't they answering!?!?!" instead of back in the day "oh I guess they're not home" end of story. and the feeling is 10x worse when its a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. If they don't text right back in the standard max 10 min timeframe they are ignoring me, or trying to think of something to say, or don't care, or maybe their phone is not on or AHHHHH its crazy!! and heaven forbid they don't answer when you call - "you should have your phone on you at ALLLL TIMES that's why God made cell phones"

Texting is like a game, you always want to have more in your inbox then in the sent folder and when it is with a bf you sometimes make them wait a little longer for a response cuz they need to think I'm super popular and I don't have time to respond immediately. If you are having a text message convo it is kinda tricky transferring to actually talking without bluntly asking "call me" then waiting for that response is retarded cuz usually they willl respond "K" then call. why not just call? or they'll say "gimme 15 min" - am I supposed to call in 15 or are you gonna call in 15 what do I do!! this social fabric is usually ironed out by itself and is not so super complicated but when you actually sit down and think about it should there be some kind of instruction manual on how and when to text message in a socially acceptable manner. Like a deep troubled conversation should NEVER be carried out via text messaging yet people do it alllll the time filling in the max 160 characters to try in vain to get their anger across. sending someone 17 long ass texts in a row "yelling at them" should be illegal, and it means your a chicken shit for not just calling and actually saying how you feel with inflection and emotion instead of abbreviating your feelings in text messages, or if you really can't muster the strength to say it write a dang ol' letter or I guess e-mailing is the next best thing. Text messaging is prolly the coolest thing since sliced bread but some ppl need to be schooled. There is no emoticon for what I'm feeling!!

So basically it has become a novelty to talk on a landline and cell phones and technology are rampantly destroying my life and mind. That is why I purposely let my phone get disconnected every once in a while so I can re-boot.