everything should come in a string cheese format

I was brushing my adorable sons blond locks after his weekly wipe down when he looked up at me and in such an articulate voice said "mother, when do I know I'm grown up" To which I replied "now you like to stick your hands in the toilet and poop in your pants, you will understand, little one, when it's the other way around" Then he played outside as I sprayed everything down with bug poison we ate some honey suckle and hallucinated together. I sure will look back and miss these times when he's all adulty and I'm "that girl" turned old with a Virginia Slim Luxury Light Menthol 120 hanging out of my mouth baking in the sun calling him once a day to bitch about our shitty relationship and guilting him with stories of his horrific birth and all the years I sacrificed so he could be successful. That's what I've decided is all I ever want to do with my life.

Meanwhile he has very skillfully thrown all of his food all over the floor and is excaping the high chair. son of a....

My kid's first word was Stinky

I am a young mother, I had my child at 21, which is not like teenage pregnancy but lets face it I was not ready mentally at all. I am still trying to figure out who I am. I think as a young mother I basically had a crash course in child rearing. I lean A LOT on my mother and I get absolutely no physical help from the father, though I do get some financial. Though unplanned I would not change it for the world, I have no regrets, I have a beautiful child, I am in love with him, he is everything I could have ever wanted or hoped for. BUT I am not a mother, and I mean this in the sense that I don't like being someones mom, nor can I wrap my head around it. I don't do well with the whole nurturing, monotonous daily crap. I do not have the capacity to enjoy the stresses and emotional roller coaster that is parenthood. I deal, exist. I do not thrive on being a "mommy". It is also not my desire to be in the PTA, or coach the soccer team, or drive the kids to showbiz pizza, or do birthday parties, or sit and watch the kid for hours in the ball pit bored out of my mind "cuz they are just havin so much fun!" I don't know if there is something wrong with me or if I am just missing the mom gene. And maybe it is age, while all of my friends are seemingly carefree I have a multitude of responsibility. Whatever it is I can not imagine doing it again, extending the sentence if you will. That is why I have been doing some thinkin...

I have been seriously seriously looking into getting sterilized. I truthfully and honestly do not want anymore children, and I definitely do not want to bear any more children, I feel it in my soul. BUT whenever I run this idea by anyone they always say "your so young, you don't know what you want, if you do it you'll regret it" - They do not know how I feel but after much thought of all aspects and the fact that true I can not predict the how I will feel later in life, this is what I have resolved to do if for any chance my wiring changes in the future.
If I ever decide that I want more children for whatever reason I am going to adopt. There is no reason for me to bring yet another child into this world when there are so many that don't have families. I had my child, though unplanned, he is here, I love him with all my heart and I am blessed and honored that I have the chance to be his mother. And even though the next child I bring into my heart may not share my blood it can't be any different cuz my son actually does and he annoys the hell outta me! ;-)

If no one is around to hear it, no sound is made

If I write this blog and no body ever reads it does that mean I don't exist? like the proverbial tree in the forest....

Fish Samich

I love this time of year when all the fast food restaruants offer Fried Fish Samiches. I have never ever ever ever been a fan of fish...so basically I never noticed until recently. I guess my tastes have changed a lot cuz I am in love. I just finally got the one from Wendy's and it was soooo yumms. I can't believe this is the most interesting thing in my life right now but hey its cool why should I jump off a building when I can get a scrumptious fish sandwich for like $5.

please do not read this

Maybe not to die of course but to live in a padded room is all.