Iocaine Powder

I was sitting in my room the other day clipping my finger nails and all of a sudden a plane crashed in my yard, the pilot comes up to the door and politely asks to use my phone to call a tow. Of course I obliged and asked if there was anybody hurt, he said there wasn't and we just continued talking. Turns out he was a pilot for a secret mission to scope out potential hiding spots for the 4 most intelligent people in the world. The mission was so top secret he said that he may have to kill me now that I know. I was In shock because I never asked for any of this information or that a freaking plane crash in my effing house crushing my precious little lawn gnomes! I says to him I says a battle of whits then...you lose I win simple as that, I lose I win how does that sound. He agreed and the battle began. Stay tuned to see the outcome, If I don't blog for a while I guess you have your answer.

everything should come in a string cheese format

I was brushing my adorable sons blond locks after his weekly wipe down when he looked up at me and in such an articulate voice said "mother, when do I know I'm grown up" To which I replied "now you like to stick your hands in the toilet and poop in your pants, you will understand, little one, when it's the other way around" Then he played outside as I sprayed everything down with bug poison we ate some honey suckle and hallucinated together. I sure will look back and miss these times when he's all adulty and I'm "that girl" turned old with a Virginia Slim Luxury Light Menthol 120 hanging out of my mouth baking in the sun calling him once a day to bitch about our shitty relationship and guilting him with stories of his horrific birth and all the years I sacrificed so he could be successful. That's what I've decided is all I ever want to do with my life.

Meanwhile he has very skillfully thrown all of his food all over the floor and is excaping the high chair. son of a....

Beef Eraser

This is how it always starts a normal Saturday at home turns into an episode directly from the 80's sitcom horror days. I was smoking my morning cigarette when out of the corner of my eye I catch this freaking scary ass old man climb out from under my car and he says to me in an extraordinarily good fake British accent "ello mum is this your car?" I was like "ummm yes what the hell were you doing installing a bomb?!" "no" he says "I just have been living there for years and normally I don't come out at this time but my pet iguana has run away you wouldn't have happened to seen him per chance?" well of course at this point the nicotine in my veins was not enough to keep my brain calm in this situation, where did this abnormal creature come from and why was he under my car and what the fuck does he mean his pet iguana! I turned my head and scoped the yard as if to care and when I turned back towards him he was trying to unhinge an extremely large case from under my car. " little help" he motioned to me. "what! are you serious! what are you doing get out of my yard or I call the police! in fact no I'm dialing now!" to which he replied "there's nothing your police can do to the likes of me miss, now I'll be on my way to find me iguana Charles thank you, sorry to a troubled ya" he grabbed his case that had funky stickers all over it and it was all shiny in the parts that were not covered and it had a really really pretty brass handle. then oddly, out of it he pulled out a huge umbrella (that rightfully should not have fit in that case) and opened it as if it were raining yet it was totally sunny and hot on Saturday. At this point this all seemed so super surreal to me that I honestly thought I was having a flashback or something there is no way that just happened but later on that day as I had forgotten about it all I walked outside to get in my car and strike me down if there wasn't a fucking iguana sitting on the hood of my car.