Iocaine Powder

I was sitting in my room the other day clipping my finger nails and all of a sudden a plane crashed in my yard, the pilot comes up to the door and politely asks to use my phone to call a tow. Of course I obliged and asked if there was anybody hurt, he said there wasn't and we just continued talking. Turns out he was a pilot for a secret mission to scope out potential hiding spots for the 4 most intelligent people in the world. The mission was so top secret he said that he may have to kill me now that I know. I was In shock because I never asked for any of this information or that a freaking plane crash in my effing house crushing my precious little lawn gnomes! I says to him I says a battle of whits then...you lose I win simple as that, I lose I win how does that sound. He agreed and the battle began. Stay tuned to see the outcome, If I don't blog for a while I guess you have your answer.

everything should come in a string cheese format

I was brushing my adorable sons blond locks after his weekly wipe down when he looked up at me and in such an articulate voice said "mother, when do I know I'm grown up" To which I replied "now you like to stick your hands in the toilet and poop in your pants, you will understand, little one, when it's the other way around" Then he played outside as I sprayed everything down with bug poison we ate some honey suckle and hallucinated together. I sure will look back and miss these times when he's all adulty and I'm "that girl" turned old with a Virginia Slim Luxury Light Menthol 120 hanging out of my mouth baking in the sun calling him once a day to bitch about our shitty relationship and guilting him with stories of his horrific birth and all the years I sacrificed so he could be successful. That's what I've decided is all I ever want to do with my life.

Meanwhile he has very skillfully thrown all of his food all over the floor and is excaping the high chair. son of a....

Beef Eraser

This is how it always starts a normal Saturday at home turns into an episode directly from the 80's sitcom horror days. I was smoking my morning cigarette when out of the corner of my eye I catch this freaking scary ass old man climb out from under my car and he says to me in an extraordinarily good fake British accent "ello mum is this your car?" I was like "ummm yes what the hell were you doing installing a bomb?!" "no" he says "I just have been living there for years and normally I don't come out at this time but my pet iguana has run away you wouldn't have happened to seen him per chance?" well of course at this point the nicotine in my veins was not enough to keep my brain calm in this situation, where did this abnormal creature come from and why was he under my car and what the fuck does he mean his pet iguana! I turned my head and scoped the yard as if to care and when I turned back towards him he was trying to unhinge an extremely large case from under my car. " little help" he motioned to me. "what! are you serious! what are you doing get out of my yard or I call the police! in fact no I'm dialing now!" to which he replied "there's nothing your police can do to the likes of me miss, now I'll be on my way to find me iguana Charles thank you, sorry to a troubled ya" he grabbed his case that had funky stickers all over it and it was all shiny in the parts that were not covered and it had a really really pretty brass handle. then oddly, out of it he pulled out a huge umbrella (that rightfully should not have fit in that case) and opened it as if it were raining yet it was totally sunny and hot on Saturday. At this point this all seemed so super surreal to me that I honestly thought I was having a flashback or something there is no way that just happened but later on that day as I had forgotten about it all I walked outside to get in my car and strike me down if there wasn't a fucking iguana sitting on the hood of my car.

just the other night visions of tree bark danced in my head

So I went out with my friend on Saturday night and we ended up at Baileys, where unfortunately the UFC fight was goin on so it was pretty crowded but I was offered 2 seats at the bar by a very nice gentleman so we had a nice little spot to take it all in. I ordered my vodka/water and it was delish - the bartender was mad hitting on me and he was alright looking I guess and I was super comfy chillin at the bar drinkin and smokin. But this girl I was with has some kind of radar, or super talent for finding and then bringing over the most retarded, ugly loser guys in the entire place. I was mortified. So reluctantly she went over to the fight side with them and I told her I would meet her but was sooo not looking forward to it. I was like look I have to close out my tab, to my pleasant surprise my bartender fellow had purchased 2 of my drinks and since I gave him my number I felt no need to tip so I only spent 11 dollars (which is usually the max I spend lol). That's my kind of night when I minimally have to pay for shit and am not forced to talk to losers. I never got a chance (thankfully) to go over to where my friend was because she had realised very quickly the wrongness of her decision and asked me if I wanted to leave, it was a little before 1 so I was ok with it, I wasn't looking to get drunk and the scene was getting kinda tired. Even still I still woke up the next morning dreaming of gallons of water and my mouth felt as dry as lemon potpourri.


Meanwhile today I was freaking out this dude at work by my stellar and disturbingly accurate recitation of the first half of Wayne's World. Oh well I guess that is what my brain is full of, nothing useful of course!

bus stop

So I was riding on the back of this huge Bengal tiger through this valley of trees that had umbrellas for branches and swizzle stick for leaves. The guys name was Millard or Nancy I can't really recall but he definitely had on some super awesome yellow jumbo sunglasses and sported a pompadore. he was standing at the end of what looked like pretty much the coolest roller coaster I have ever seen but to get to it you had to take a boat, when The Tiger was like yo I can swim so he flipped over onto his back and we all jumped on. the entire time the kinks play in the back round. I wish the Ice Cream tasted like Pepperoni Pizza and Licorice. I got to the Roller coaster and it was closed and I looked around for some kind of explanation but all I saw was my grampa standing with a will work for food sign in a crispy white suit and patent leather shoes. I had some pizza licorice Ice cream and we ate it and we laughed all day long while the clouds bounced us around like a couple of pin balls.

you can have my spot

Do not even get me started on this entire gay marriage thing- it really frosts my cookies that this country is still so hung up on issues such as this. Are not we ALL the same, honestly, we all bleed the same, hurt the same, love the same. Just because being straight and "socially acceptable" Heteros can get married to some loser asshole and pop out a thousand kids and live on welfare and beat the kids and commit adultery. God for Freaking bid A gay couple wants to get married and have a thousand kids - OH NO they are going to turn the kids gay! cuz that's what they do ya know! and oh yeah ALLLLL Gay people are bad, promiscuous and sick in the head. DO YOU HEAR HOW RIDICULOUS THIS ALL SOUNDS AMERICA!!!! I am as straight as an arrow, but I am absolutely livid at this propaganda going around about gay marriage it makes me want to vomit. Live and let live - Jesus Christ, who the hell are we to stop loving, good couples from marrying and sharing a legal life together, getting divorced and starting over, cuz that's what us asshole straight ppl do, we take such advantage of our right to get married most of us do it at LEAST 3 times in our lives!!! now tell me the "sanctity" of marriage is not fucked up! So any of you out there animatedly opposed to getting married let a gay couple have your spot! dang I wish it worked like that!

For you and me to live in

The clink is scary. I would cry my eyes out if I ever were to be arrested for a DUI or anything for that matter. I have always always been a spoiled brat living in a perfect suburban town in a decent suburban house with no real drama except typical suburban domestic violence. I know people who may have dabbled a bit in drugs but only on a suburban level (AKA the highest level possible, just above city) and I watch this show Lockup on that MSNBC just mesmerized about how these people can live their lives like they do in prison. Its like they are in jail for committing crimes yet still commit crimes because they have nothing to lose cuz they are never getting out or they go to jail and are gonna get out so they pretend to straighten up and fly right but in fact the recidivism
rate is astronomical. I really really have not pin pointed what about the whole prison thing intrigues me so so much, is it the bad ass hardened criminals, is it the super structured lifestyle, is it the danger involved, is it the crazy crimes they commit, is it the childish meaninglessness of their day to day lives, is it the fact that it makes me feel better about my own life...I just don't know maybe a combinational platter of all those things does it for me...but seriously I used to work with guy whose brother was in Red Onion (SuperMax facility in VA) and when he would talk about visiting I would just wish that I could go with him. but then when I actually really thought about what it would be like visiting that dudes brother I freaked out and would have been too scared to go anyways. I can't even walk into the social services building without wanting to immediately take a shower how the hell would I be able to walk into a disease infested prison to have a little chit chat with a murderer. Oh and well also my fucking head is a scary enough place indeed.

I also think our prison system needs a bit of reform. It boggles my mind the amount of money this country spends on keeping all these people behind bars. Also our country is the only one in the world with such a high percentage of adults in the slammer so is that saying something? are we just criminal happy hoarding them like grandmas stuffed cats? nah of course some politicians are getting massive kickbacks from all the funding and the more we imprison the better business will be so keep on committing crimes out there citizens papa needs a new Bentley.